Tag Archives: separation

Reflections on a marriage

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After successful surgery and we hope the all clear, the ex and I have settled into a routine of sorts. We have taken turns to cook meals, I have played nursey a bit, but he is healing fast and well. We have had a meal out, seen a film, had coffee in town, talked about some of the things that need to be done on the house, his life in paradise and have sat side by side on the sofa watching programs on the iplayer.

9 years ago this week we arrived in England full of hope and concern for the family we were creating. Daffodils are in bloom now, as they were then. It did not work out. Previous baggage, unrealistic and unshared expectations, my depression and his controlling nature were some of the reasons.

But this last few days as I listen to tales of paradise, I see a man that while is intelligent and sometimes very funny,  is someone who thinks nothing of comparing our lives and situations. He told me my choice (for monetary reasons) of moving to the next town was dodgy, it being a horrible, dangerous place, but was ideal for me and my new start in life!!

We just didn’t know each other well enough when we made the commitment. Our values differ too much. He said he visited a holiday villa that rents out for $35,000 A NIGHT in the peak season on the island…he said at first he thought it was unjustifiable, but after looking round decided it was probably worth it. I think his head has been turned. He bemoans the fact that ALL his friends are millionaires and it is so hard for him.

Those two comments alone do not sit well. Friends are people that you like, respect, have an interest in and they reciprocate that. And with all the homeless, stateless, starving, scared people around the world hoping just to survive, I cannot see the justification in such a property.

So while it has been adult and peaceful and in some ways good to have the company, I found myself feeling very sad today as the dog and I walked on the farm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The dam bursts

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An email was waiting when I got home from my lovely hairdresser’s with a smart new – no longer silver at the roots – cut.

Nasty and mean about me and the girls. It was like a slap. Out of the blue. I cried after reading it. Then, wrote back. The long and the short of it was a furious exchange in which he demanded clarification, explanations and justifications. I laid it all out and gave him the option to take it or leave it.

Then the dam burst I think, on his side. He has been really suffering, tormenting himself with questions and what ifs. The last few emails were gentler, kinder, more introspective and accepting. I hope he now realises that anger and resentment do not allow us time to grieve and that by actually admitting how he feels to himself, it will help him.

He says he is looking forward to moving on and having a better relationship with me now. I am hoping too that this will be possible.

We all come to terms with things at different rates and in different ways. It is easy (as any reader of this will know) to be one sided and forget about how others may feel.

Although I write about my side all the time, I do know there is his side. I have always hoped that at some point some acceptance of his role in the end of our marriage would be forthcoming. There is no great sense of glory, now that it has. It has just lifted a great cloud and cleared the way for both of us to get on with our own lives and, that part of our lives that still overlap.

 

 

 

 

 

Tropical storm turns to tropical low

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He’s been and gone. This is the first direct contact in almost a month. He was brusque and business like. I asked how he was doing and he was not expansive…

He was not thrilled that I farmed out the big bedroom to daughter and her man, and said the place no longer felt like his home.

I said that it would be his one day and this was only a temporary situation but he replied that he will never live here again. I asked why he didn’t just sell it then, but he wants to rent it out. His hassle, not mine.

I have never seen him move so fast, he was in and out in a flash. He would not look me in the eye either. What is that about? Weird.

The last question he asked was where would he be sleeping when he gets back on January 1st.

Not one question about my father, and of course nothing about me.

Par for the course.

And me? I felt calm, almost sorry for him. I was kind and helped him pack up the car. He left behind all his post and the cards I wrote for his mother and sister. He was annoyed because he could not find a big box of photos of days gone by (minus me) that he planned to go through with his mother. A little fireside mutual admiration!  Thank heavens I would not have to sit through that!!!

Off to the hills with dog, girlies and the boy to walk in the wind and work up an appetite for fish and chips. Wooohoooo.

Enjoy your Christmas Eve folks.

 

 

 

 

 

On my own

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When he left yesterday I felt very little. No sense of loss, sorrow, regret, no euphoria, no excitement. It just felt right. This is the right thing for me and I believe, for us. I did have though, a very strong urge to purge the place and raced around with the surface spray and tidied up!

Of course it is not ‘over’ as we have months yet to come of selling the flat, me finding a new home, renting this one out and handling all the decisions that will have to be made together. Also, he is returning for Christmas and will camp here for a night or maybe two in January…..

It turned out to be a long, bumpy day and at one point there were some sneaky tears welling. I put it down to being tired and a bit fraught. Splitting up is gruelling. It hurts, a LOT. It causes so much anxiety, not to mention anger, fear and sorrow.

His mother returned all the photos she had of the girls and me too. That was a pointed gesture – at least in my mind. Why not just dump them?  Making the effort to let me know she did not want them was pretty petty.

Anyway, best to let it go.

On the way home I could not decide what to do with my first single night in a decade; pop in for a drink at the local with some friends? A film? Chocolate? What I did was make a healthy, carb free meal, half of which I froze for later in the week, opened a bottle of champagne, had a couple of glasses, watched some silly TV, spoke to my mother in Australia and went to bed early!

I have big plans but need to move in small steps. My new budget kicks in today, it is meagre in comparison to what it was but I am lucky to have it. It will require effort to manage and to save from it, but that is the plan. I am incredibly lucky to even have a budget and to have the opportunity to move on in life on my own terms.