Tag Archives: divorce

Reflections on a marriage

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After successful surgery and we hope the all clear, the ex and I have settled into a routine of sorts. We have taken turns to cook meals, I have played nursey a bit, but he is healing fast and well. We have had a meal out, seen a film, had coffee in town, talked about some of the things that need to be done on the house, his life in paradise and have sat side by side on the sofa watching programs on the iplayer.

9 years ago this week we arrived in England full of hope and concern for the family we were creating. Daffodils are in bloom now, as they were then. It did not work out. Previous baggage, unrealistic and unshared expectations, my depression and his controlling nature were some of the reasons.

But this last few days as I listen to tales of paradise, I see a man that while is intelligent and sometimes very funny,  is someone who thinks nothing of comparing our lives and situations. He told me my choice (for monetary reasons) of moving to the next town was dodgy, it being a horrible, dangerous place, but was ideal for me and my new start in life!!

We just didn’t know each other well enough when we made the commitment. Our values differ too much. He said he visited a holiday villa that rents out for $35,000 A NIGHT in the peak season on the island…he said at first he thought it was unjustifiable, but after looking round decided it was probably worth it. I think his head has been turned. He bemoans the fact that ALL his friends are millionaires and it is so hard for him.

Those two comments alone do not sit well. Friends are people that you like, respect, have an interest in and they reciprocate that. And with all the homeless, stateless, starving, scared people around the world hoping just to survive, I cannot see the justification in such a property.

So while it has been adult and peaceful and in some ways good to have the company, I found myself feeling very sad today as the dog and I walked on the farm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The dam bursts

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An email was waiting when I got home from my lovely hairdresser’s with a smart new – no longer silver at the roots – cut.

Nasty and mean about me and the girls. It was like a slap. Out of the blue. I cried after reading it. Then, wrote back. The long and the short of it was a furious exchange in which he demanded clarification, explanations and justifications. I laid it all out and gave him the option to take it or leave it.

Then the dam burst I think, on his side. He has been really suffering, tormenting himself with questions and what ifs. The last few emails were gentler, kinder, more introspective and accepting. I hope he now realises that anger and resentment do not allow us time to grieve and that by actually admitting how he feels to himself, it will help him.

He says he is looking forward to moving on and having a better relationship with me now. I am hoping too that this will be possible.

We all come to terms with things at different rates and in different ways. It is easy (as any reader of this will know) to be one sided and forget about how others may feel.

Although I write about my side all the time, I do know there is his side. I have always hoped that at some point some acceptance of his role in the end of our marriage would be forthcoming. There is no great sense of glory, now that it has. It has just lifted a great cloud and cleared the way for both of us to get on with our own lives and, that part of our lives that still overlap.

 

 

 

 

 

A weird thing to do, or is it just me?

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Facebook revealed a photo of the ex today, uploaded by a friend, of him and his first wife at their wedding. There was some banter about him holding his stomach in and a comment from someone I have seen in the last few months saying ‘ how nice to see….’ (name of ex-wife).

It hurt, and here is why. That marriage ended in tears and then very, very sadly a few months later in the death of his wife.

The person who commented about his wife, was once a bit unkind about her, to ME.

Since that marriage, we were married, but it seemed as if the last ten years just DO NOT exist.

So, here I am getting all upset and hurt, then I started thinking how very odd to put up a photo that is so OLD. He looks nothing like that now. It was not (according to him) a happy relationship, but there was the photo for all to see. What on earth was the point?

So weird, or is it me just thinking that?

Once I manned up, I started, tentatively tackling my ever growing ‘to do’ list. More stuff for the charity shop, and they are coming with the van next week to take some of the bulkier bits of furniture….

Student Finance has agreed to lend me money – never thought I would be happy to be in debt, but it is going to seriously help over the next few months. I emptied my pound coin and penny jar and had over £50 which was banked.

I am now about to start more work and have a gym date at uni in the morning before hitting the library and seeing the head of the program.

 

 

 

 

 

Goodbyes are exhausting

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Early this morning the taxi arrived to take him to the airport. I got up to see him off and to check over the list of things to do…he said that he was surprised that none of us, the girls and I, had asked him anything about his new life. It seems that everyone he met this holiday did, that they were interested in him and what he was doing. He said it was amazing that we had not shown the same level of curiosity.

How does one show all that while at the same time being berated with complaints and accusations and reminders of how much damage one has caused to another human being? How does one show that when the other party talks constantly about themselves when not moaning?

He complained to me once at a dinner party that while the host and guests were nice, he was not enjoying himself because no-one asked him any questions about what he did….

He did however kindly wish me well in my studies and I said that I hoped he would be well and happy and that was it.

Odd, awkward, exhausting.

Thank goodness for decent friends is all I can say. Decent friends and FACETIME. Half an hour on the phone to a lovely one in Japan and my spirit was restored.

I hate feeling doubtful about myself and worrying if I am after all a truly evil person in wanting to break away. Without friends, it would be easy to get swallowed up in such rotten thoughts.

Onward and upward.

Daughter wants me to ride 20k with her on the bike while she runs and the rain is lashing against the windows making me shudder to think of stepping outside. We leave in 30 minutes apparently…..

 

 

Slipping into 2016

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2016 arrived quietly here. Oldest and I were at home, both writing/studying until just before the countdown. We then went out to collect youngest who was with a friend.
Resolutions are not my thing. But there are plans and pledges and an acceptance that major, major changes are heading my way this year.

This small painting (that I own) is called ‘and we came along this road’ and it says everything to me about the future. I don’t know where the road leads, but there are sunny patches and shadow as well as trees and clear blue skies…

and we came along this road

I do know that I will need to be resourceful, frugal, organised, strong and clear about my choices, but it is a pretty road and to be enjoyed….

The tenant in my rented flat has just given notice, so this will no doubt speed up the selling process…which means the search for MY NEW HOME will begin in earnest, soon. (Excited as I love looking at houses….because I am so nosy, and nervous as this time the decision is all mine for me, that’s a biggie).

His nibs has been here since last night and tells me that he is VERY ANGRY about a lot of things….there have been a few sneaky tears on my part, but a lot of standing up to him.

He got a speeding ticket on his first day back, in the car that I now own (as I have to sell it  while he is out of the country). He suggested I take the flack as he is no longer on the insurance (rubbish). When I said no he asked me if I wanted him to go to jail? Then there was some waffle about it all taking so long for letters etc to reach him in paradise, but I said so be it. I will not accept his fine and I WILL NOT lie and break the law for him. Lots of tutting and sighing and rolling his eyes at my audacity.

But apart from that petty drama, 2016 has eased its way in and is here to be lived to the max!

Happy New Year everyone xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loans and borrowing

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I pride myself in having no loans, other than the mortgage, to which I no longer have to contribute, and no credit card.

Today however, I applied for a student loan. True, I have been fortunate not to have to until now. After weighing up the pros and cons it seemed that the extra will help no end, mainly as although they are both over 18 and not ‘dependents’ and both work hard to live within their means, the girls need a bit of help every now and then.

Billy Bunter made it very, very clear that he wanted nothing to do with the girls’ financial support post separation as they are not his. He was admonished for this by the solicitor but he was adamant.

There is no guarantee it will be approved as I already hold one degree in beer consumption clad only in a toga – oh and Japanese!! But if it works then when they need a bit extra, I can help out.

 

 

Let the sun shine in

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Having the sun peek through from behind the blind this morning was fortuitous. It got me out of bed, into the fields with the dog, struggling in the mud to keep the old wellies on, but invigorated.

The plan was to clear my mind, which has been a bit fuddled. A series of texts from the ex mid-walk did not help and by the time we got home, I was feeling anxious and defensive, although being as neutral as poss in my responses.  Then I thought bugger this, and phoned the old fart. We read so much into texts and emails, tone, mood, perceptions etc, but that comes from the READER as all we see is a bunch of words.

It was the right thing to do. A few short minutes of civilised discussion and both parties are feeling ok.

Then the girls and I had a brief chat about health, food intake, alcohol and self caring and agreed to work together a bit more. They don’t eat meals really, just graze all day. I think we would all benefit as would the budget from more of a routine.

The Christmas decorations are down as is the tree. We are moving onwards and upwards. Off to the tip now!!

 

 

 

Tropical storm turns to tropical low

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He’s been and gone. This is the first direct contact in almost a month. He was brusque and business like. I asked how he was doing and he was not expansive…

He was not thrilled that I farmed out the big bedroom to daughter and her man, and said the place no longer felt like his home.

I said that it would be his one day and this was only a temporary situation but he replied that he will never live here again. I asked why he didn’t just sell it then, but he wants to rent it out. His hassle, not mine.

I have never seen him move so fast, he was in and out in a flash. He would not look me in the eye either. What is that about? Weird.

The last question he asked was where would he be sleeping when he gets back on January 1st.

Not one question about my father, and of course nothing about me.

Par for the course.

And me? I felt calm, almost sorry for him. I was kind and helped him pack up the car. He left behind all his post and the cards I wrote for his mother and sister. He was annoyed because he could not find a big box of photos of days gone by (minus me) that he planned to go through with his mother. A little fireside mutual admiration!  Thank heavens I would not have to sit through that!!!

Off to the hills with dog, girlies and the boy to walk in the wind and work up an appetite for fish and chips. Wooohoooo.

Enjoy your Christmas Eve folks.

 

 

 

 

 

Standing up for myself – with a wee bit of help

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Less than a week and an email has arrived saying that he is struggling with finances and therefore would like to make some changes to the arrangement that we made – pay me less in fact.

This is a man in a 5 star hotel suite room on a tropical island with a fat salary and two pensions…

So this is me, first time I read it, I think, poor him, he is having a hard time. Second time I read it I think, wait a minute, he is cutting left right and centre and has already asked for £500 – yes, which I gave him….FOOL and then he is saying that his making cuts are really to benefit me in the long term as he will be able to save for my new tiny home…..does not that mean in fact that I will be the one saving if the cuts are coming from me?

I almost responded but decided to run it by my solicitor instead. Harsh? No bloody way. He wants to cut the cost of a ‘holiday to Australia’ for me  (among other things). Believe me, it might be God’s own country and holiday heaven to some, but it is my family home, my father is battling two types of cancer and recently had most of his stomach removed. My mother is slowing deteriorating. All my siblings are there and I think I am entitled to see them once in a while. So I do not count the long, long trip home as a holiday. It is a family visit.

And anyway, how can one cry poor when one posts videos of their luxury lifestyle all over Facebook?

So I am standing up for myself with a wee bit of help. I am not saying no to a discussion, but I am saying no to the wheedling, manipulation that has gone on for so long.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meh!

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Bit of a wobbly week, so far. Some of the old gloom is back and a sense of dread. Today I took the edited version of the consent to end the marriage to the solicitors. He has not seen it yet, but will tomorrow. I worry that it will cause more kicking off and finger pointing and boy does that make me edgy.

In less than two weeks (fingers crossed) it will be done and dusted. Bring it on. It is like living on a knife edge at times.

Feelings of hurt abound as well. Same old reasons as before, but I found a photo of me, still in its frame, in the wastepaper basket when I emptied it this morning….I have not been as thoughtless in my removal of personal items.

BUT there is always good stuff going on – my youngest sister is 50 today and has been putting up some colourful stuff on FB…bless! Mum will pale a little no doubt when she reads it!

I have been running twice this week and am booked in again for Friday. Beginning to love it. Over 3 ks now at any one time and feel proud. My ‘splits’ are getting shorter too.

Tonight is BookClub which is more about the wine and gossip, and my first attendance for months. Not drinking, but regardless, it is always a laugh.  Friends really make life ok.

Blogging helps too, started off all flat and now am ready to tackle my admin chore list.

Have a happy, blowy day out there x