procrastinating, as there is an exam looming and studying has no appeal. In fact, not much has. I have been up and down a lot lately and have had a second cold after the one that floored me a few weeks ago and am coughing. Nasty.
When these moods hit I do a lot of thinking. Mainly about why. I have much to be happy about, but there is a little bleak pool in there somewhere that does not go away for long.
It’s been a long, tough year with many, many highs. But it has required huge amounts of energy and strength to get through the lows, the study, the driving, being a mother, being an ex and moving into this run down house.
I am sitting in my curtain-less bedroom looking out over the winter trees trying to get myself out of this mood. The window cleaner has been brilliant and has done some decorating for me – one bedroom is now almost finished, but it does get to me a bit, living with holes and cracks and mold and other things.
Em did not come home for Christmas as she was working. She is rarely in contact and of course I worry. Hannah is here and found my simple celebration difficult. She and her sister were given some money and H got a little something under the tree, but she said she found it hard when all her friends were posting on social media about the gifts that they had received.
A tough one, but this is my home and I have never been big on going mad for one day in the year and I was determined to celebrate in my way. I angst watching other people shop!! The window cleaner and I agreed to keep it very low key, but then he produced two very generous, well thought out gifts to my one practical one, but he gets it – he says!
The best part of the holiday was an outrageous games night at my friend and neighbour’s house on Boxing Day evening with her family, the window cleaner and Han. This followed a walk on Box Hill, a place we have been to before, which was lovely.
The dogs are with me today. Juno is a massive worry. She bit the vet last week and was so agitated the vet refused to treat her and suggested a behavourist spend time with her. I was in tears. She is hard to manage at times and I never let her near kids, or other dogs, in case anything happens. I have a dog walker now to take them out on my long days and they both seem happy, but the truth is that I never stop worrying when they are alone.
In less than two weeks I have a huge oral exam and I HAVE been working on it but feel that it still eludes me in many ways. In a few days some of us will get together for a rehearsal and I find those helpful.
5 weeks in A&E were also valuable. It just seems that we are so close but still so very far from getting through this degree.
Blah! Moany me.
Apologies folk – hope you are all having a happy time where you are.