When he left yesterday I felt very little. No sense of loss, sorrow, regret, no euphoria, no excitement. It just felt right. This is the right thing for me and I believe, for us. I did have though, a very strong urge to purge the place and raced around with the surface spray and tidied up!
Of course it is not ‘over’ as we have months yet to come of selling the flat, me finding a new home, renting this one out and handling all the decisions that will have to be made together. Also, he is returning for Christmas and will camp here for a night or maybe two in January…..
It turned out to be a long, bumpy day and at one point there were some sneaky tears welling. I put it down to being tired and a bit fraught. Splitting up is gruelling. It hurts, a LOT. It causes so much anxiety, not to mention anger, fear and sorrow.
His mother returned all the photos she had of the girls and me too. That was a pointed gesture – at least in my mind. Why not just dump them? Making the effort to let me know she did not want them was pretty petty.
Anyway, best to let it go.
On the way home I could not decide what to do with my first single night in a decade; pop in for a drink at the local with some friends? A film? Chocolate? What I did was make a healthy, carb free meal, half of which I froze for later in the week, opened a bottle of champagne, had a couple of glasses, watched some silly TV, spoke to my mother in Australia and went to bed early!
I have big plans but need to move in small steps. My new budget kicks in today, it is meagre in comparison to what it was but I am lucky to have it. It will require effort to manage and to save from it, but that is the plan. I am incredibly lucky to even have a budget and to have the opportunity to move on in life on my own terms.