It is more or less all sorted out. The great divide, the separation agreement, the division of things and money, the end of a decade shared. In a few short weeks I will be alone in this house, well, with the dog and cat. I feel terrible, so ripped apart and so sad. I still think it is the best and right decision, but confess this to all: I have shed bucket loads of tears, I have had huge doubts, I have wished for a different outcome, and I have hoped to hear at least once, that I will be missed, that I was a good partner, a loving step mum, that I really tried. I have said these things, I have said that we gave it our best, that we put our heart and souls into it, but it did not work. All I have heard is that it is my doing, that I am harsh and calculating, that I planned this, that all the pain and loss has be caused by me. It is crushing, exhausting stuff.
It is very difficult to hold my head high, to believe that things can be better. It is also slightly embarrassing to want to be recognised as a decent human being, to have one little thing that I did over the years acknowledged.
Yes, I am probably just wallowing in self pity, but it is really tough.