Monthly Archives: October 2015

Over doing it a bit – woops

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The title may sound fatuous but it is meant well. The previous post has been edited to remove some of the personal info it had contained.

A long meeting with the solicitor this morning was eye opening, lovely as she seemed, I had been warned that they are sort of programmed to fight one’s corner even if a fight is not what is wanted. It was made clear that the bits mentioned in the previous post were the bits that needed dealing with.

We agreed a way of handling the proposal in which both parties would benefit and I was sent off to discuss it.

A brief detour to see a friend’s new born and 5 year old son, where much playing with Lego and dandling the baby went on. A lovely way to spend a few hours.

Back to discuss the outcome of the meeting and the result was total meltdown. BUT, there are meltdowns and there are meltdowns and for my part, this one lead to something positive. Not either of us getting more or winning a point, but being able to sit together and discuss the settlement, to acknowledge the loss and even to have a laugh. He had been offered a ticket to the Rugby World Cup final on Saturday at Twickenham. He was desperate to take it, but for the price. How often does one get such a chance? I said to take it, but just to make sure he left a bit in the account for me to buy my new home…we both had a giggle at that and he said it was on the tip of his tongue to say the same thing.

Why do we fall in love? A lot of the time it is because someone makes us laugh. It was nice to have a laugh after all we had been through.

PS: As much as I want Australia to win, I think NZ will do it….

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Shifting goal posts and being taken for a sucker – divorce is hell

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It was all agreed, not the best solution but better than having to slog it out in court. Until last night and again this morning when he announced he does after all want to go ahead with a quicky divorce and will say that he was adulterous. My part in this is to tell the solicitor is it so, and for my efforts IF I fail the degree, he will give me an additional one year’s support so that I can re-sit any exams.

He of course gets off with just about everything he wanted and a fast divorce. The speed of thing is not the issue here, the issue is that we spent hundreds of pounds and many hours in a gruelling emotional set of meetings to come up with the separation agreement. I took that as my guide for the next few years and was just about to get the solicitor to sign it all off.

Another problem is that I cannot lie about something I believe to be a falsehood to a member of the legal profession. At one of our sessions the other half somewhat smugly told the mediator that he had a friend, a solicitor indeed, who had lied about adultery to get out of his marriage quickly. He was advised that is not the wisest course of action, and that he should not be too cocky (pun intended…lol got to laugh or I will go mad…). He then sort of admitted that he hadn’t been anyway so the next best option was to name me as having behaviour so unreasonable that he cannot live with me.

I had naively thought this might be a route, but after discovering that some dreadful things would have to be said about me, we both sort of backed down. (I had been told that as this divorce is my fault I had to take the sharp end of the stick here).

As he will be moving to warmer climes for two years, that seemed to fall in line with the natural period of living apart necessary for a straightforward ending. We won’t have to see one another and all we have to do at the end is basically sign the paperwork.

But, oddly, he has just spent some time with the aforementioned solicitor and has returned home emboldened no doubt by the notion of the ease in which he can claim to be a real Lothario and get the divorce done fast. He claims that in two years I MIGHT toss the agreement aside and ASK FOR MORE……..Really? I hope in two years I will be working and fending for myself.

I phoned my solicitor, because fast or slow, a divorce is coming and I am okay with that, but I am not ok with lying and not okay with having what we agreed on fiddled with and I am especially not ok with being bribed with a POSSIBLE extension of my allowance pending on my failing the course.

The mediator has explained that we can of course change the agreement by mutual discussion and consent, but nothing seems very mutual in this the latest movement of the goal posts.

‘Up in the loft…’

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The loft has been cleaned out. So many times over the years when wondering what to do with something, the quick response has been to put it up in the loft, usually until we decided what to do with the thing…at that point the decision has actually been made, to do nothing, it’s now out of sight and out of mind! So for years sometimes, items gather dust and cobwebs.

Apart from being a grubby, awkward job, it was a bit of an emotional wrench to see Japanese school satchels, photo albums, toys….heaps of Sylvanian Family bits and bobs and our old camping gear.

Nevertheless, things were wiped down, sorted through and decisions made. Only three options now, rubbish, charity shop and the next home. I do not want to take much with me when I go, only what REALLY counts and that I use. Three boxes of blue and white porcelain jars, pots, plates, bowls and jugs collected over the years has been pared down to one small one and from that I will chose one or two bits to take. Everything else went to the charity shop.

It was  liberating to know that they will no longer weigh me down. I often wonder why we feel the need to accumulate. For my part it was usually because I liked some things and to be fair, usually used them. There was also that thing that they had ‘value’ and were worth something. That’s a big myth, that we tend to believe. An item is only worth what someone will pay for it. Boot fairs are a good example. Folk might have parted with hard earned cash to buy the things now lying out on the table going for a song….and not only that, people will haggle to pay even less than you want!!

Anyway, if the blue and white pieces sell and make money for the charity shop, it will have been worth it. With winter looming and millions displaced and in camps around the world, they need all the help they can get.

Another thing, I will not beat myself up for having bought these things in the first place, but I will take from it the fact that we actually need very little to have a good life.

It would have been possible to list one or two things on e-bay or other sights, but I made the decision this time to let them go. A bit like removing a plaster, quickly.

So now there is nothing up in the loft, there is a his and hers pile in the conservatory but at least I can SEE the amount of stuff I have. It makes it seem more manageable.

feeling it

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Two very special, kind women commented on my naval gazing posts with words of encouragement and support. Thank you both. I know some lovely, lovely people, my California designer friend and the very talented Mrs G.

I may have let a bit too much hang out – so sorry about that, but in a way it was good to get it off my chest. I have told the dog, but she doesn’t talk back, so writing it down is the next best thing.

My sister sent me a meditation mantra today as well and I have been repeating it. Apparently the idea is to say it as often as you can, I got a bit distracted after about 10 repeats, but will have another go before bedtime.

I have vowed not to look at Facebook for a while. It does not help to know what some folk are up to. I can still see my own timeline and messages without poking about on the home page!

As low as my mood got this week and as grim as things seemed, it was always in my mind that this is all part of the process and that it will change and get better. It is just such a bloody awful process!

Tomorrow is the end of the District Nursing placement. It is a brilliant area and I have been in Leg Ulcer clinics and am quite nifty with bandaging now…..with the Rapid Response Team, the Diabetes team and tomorrow I will be in the Sexual Health Clinic. It will be nice not to have the drive and to focus a bit more on the academic side as exams and essays are looming.

Thank you ladies xx

unhealthy feelings

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It is all over Facebook, his new adventure and OMG it looks sexy and appealing. Over 60 people have commented and complimented and NOT ONE of those comments has asked or mentioned his other half (me). Not one has asked about how we plan to juggle the new position in a tropical paradise and my commitment to nursing…given that nothing has officially been put out there….I must come across as weak and needy, but it hurt that no one even bothered to ask how we were going to manage., because as  far as I have been led to believe, NO ONE KNOWS…. but maybe they all know and have written me off. My sceptical self is thinking that maybe he was talking about it all along, about a life without me and once it fell into place, all they had to do was congratulate him and beg to visit.

It hurts, ten years and no mention of me.

The day will come when I read back over this and cringe a little, but having to get up at 5:30 daily, drive sometimes 90 minutes each way, do the work I love, to reflect on it, to write about it, to drive home, look after the house and pets, to study and then see on FB the celebration of what he is doing results in me feeling very, very  insignificant.

Some things are really tough

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It is more or less all sorted out. The great divide, the separation agreement, the division of things and money, the end of a decade shared. In a few short weeks I will be alone in this house, well, with the dog and cat. I feel terrible, so ripped apart and so sad. I still think it is the best and right decision, but confess this to all: I have shed bucket loads of tears, I have had huge doubts, I have wished for a different outcome, and I have hoped to hear at least once, that I will be missed, that I was a good partner, a loving step mum, that I really tried. I have said these things, I have said that we gave it our best, that we put our heart and souls into it, but it did not work. All I have heard is that it is my doing, that I am harsh and calculating, that I planned this, that all the pain and loss has be caused by me. It is crushing, exhausting stuff.

It is very difficult to hold my head high, to believe that things can be better. It is also slightly embarrassing to want to be recognised as a decent human being, to have one little thing that I did over the years acknowledged.

Yes, I am probably just wallowing in self pity, but it is really tough.